One thing about writing for me is therapeutic and every blog I write it's from the heart. Some blogs I write about is things I've experience and others are what I want my readers to understand and learn from. On Saturday night I posted a few pictures of Messiah and I wrote a status that I didn't expect I would get a lot of feedback from but I did and which each feedback I received at the end of it, I read "Thank You". See with Confidence Is You, it's not about the money, for me is helping others and putting things into perspective for them. So I decided to turn my status into a blog to write more about my experience and why becoming a mother was so important to me.
From a young age, I would play mommy and baby with my dolls. I always knew that one day I wanted to have children on my own. My friends thought I was crazy for saying that I wanted children when we were in HS. Of course I wanted to have a child with someone I loved and I knew for a fact would be there for my child. I started telling myself " 1 day it will happen". When I was with my EX, I was So depressed, my self esteem was low, I just didn't want to live anymore but one day it hit me and I wanted a child more than ever again. I felt having a child would fill that void and give me the happiness and love I wanted.
I didn't care about my ex being my child's father but I just wanted a child. It never happened, I even with to a fertility doctor in which she told me I was too big to have a child. (Yeah I wish I would of gotten her reported or something but at that moment I thought she was right.) Anyways I thank god each and everyday, I didn't get pregnant by him. God knew that he wasn't the right one for me and it made me regain my faith in God again and to just be patient. I've written many blogs in which I talked about my last relationship and how it made me give up on love. It wasn't until Marc and I started dating that I knew I haven't found my true love yet .
See Marc wasn't a stranger, I've known him since I was 15/16 but I didn't see him that way. He liked me and everyone knew it but I just didn't care to be with him. Fast forward to a few years later, we started dating. I was scared because I didn't want to get hurt again but Day and night for months, shit to be honest for 2 years he healed my heart piece by piece. ( yes we dated for 2 years before we became official on 6/17/13). I needed to go through what I went through for me to feel the unconditional love that I never felt before and for me to be completely ready to truly love someone and actually feel what real love feels like.
I knew once my heart was complete, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Marc. He was patient and made me believe in something I told myself I would never believe in again which was LOVE. I was blessed to have such an amazing man in my life that will one day be my husband and the father of my children. Marc knew what I wanted, I never stressed it. But I would say after our 2 years of being together, I started throwing hints. If it wasn't about my ring, it was about " when we have children". He wanted the same things that I wanted but when the time was right.
I just felt like if you want the same things I wanted, Why wait? The biggest lesson I learned through all of this is that even if you want something, no matter what it is, God will give it to you when the time is right. And the more I wanted a child, God laughed because he knew it wasn't the time just yet to have a child. Days and months would pass by, my Period still came EVERY month and I would get frustrated and sad. See the thing is nobody knew, I never told Marc. I didn't wanted him to feel that he was obligated to give me want I wanted just so I wouldn't feel the way that I do. Every time I turned around someone was pregnant, don't get me wrong I was happy for them but deep down inside I wish it was me. I remember one of my coworkers hiding that she was pregnant from me because she knew I would feel a way. My titi at work would tell me everyday " It will happen when you stop stressing it and stop thinking about it".
July 2016, Marc and I along with my mother , my sister and her boyfriend went to Mexico. Just before we went, Marc and I went through something so this trip was important for me for us to get back into the groove of things. The first few days we had a blast and on the forth day I remember mentioning something about "when we get married". It wasn't the first time during the trip I mentioned something that had to do with us getting married or having a child. He just got up and left, I knew he was upset. That night through dinner and all, he didn't say much. I knew I triggered him, I knew at that moment I had to stop or I would lose him. The next day before we left to go to the airport, he told me he couldn't be with me anymore because he felt that he couldn't give me what I wanted and he also felt I wanted to just be with him to have a baby or to get a ring.
My heart broke to a million pieces, I just went in the bathroom and got on my knees and prayed while I cried my heart out. I told god" I trust you, I lost my faith but I trust you and when the time is right you will make me a mother and a wife." After I prayed and got myself together, Marc and I had a long conversation and I told him that I won't bring it up again and when the time is right he will propose and we have a baby. Now some people may think " oh if he loved you, why would he break up with you". No he loved me enough to let me go so I can go get what I wanted it. Some may feel why didn't he just propose if he loved me, you can't force anyone to do anything and if I wasn't so much on him, it would of happened a long time ago. But I had to go through what we went through so I can believe in God and his timing and regain my faith in God as well.
When we got back from Mexico, I prayed more and told myself I just focus on myself and Confidence Is You. I was ready to do what's best for me and when the time was right I knew God was going to bless me. On September 4th, Marc and I went to my homegirl Ashley going away BBQ and we had a ball. We really had an amazing time, we laughed, we danced, we loved on each other and when we got home, well you know the what happen as I called that night DRUNK IN LOVE.
Weeks went by, I was doing my thing while God blessing was growing inside of me.
I didn't have a clue, my period was late but I didn't think to much of it. I just thought eventually it would come. After 9 days as well as my mother and Marc telling me over and over to take a pregnancy test, I did. I couldn't wait until I got home to take so I took it right at work on my lunch break, waiting 2-5 mins for the results was the longest 2-5 mins in my life. After I looked down, I saw one line. I remember looking in the mirror and I just said a prayer, I wasn't mad or anything, I just prayed. Something told me to look down at it again and BOOM THERE IT WAS, 2 LINES. I WAS PREGNANT!!! And here I am writing today, the same week my son turns 5 months.
I know it's hard when you want something so bad and it doesn't happen but you have to be patient and truly wait on Gods timing. I learned that God may not give it to me right when I want it but when he knows the time is right, he will deliver. And if he doesn't give me what I want, he will give me something better. Being a mother is truly the most rewarding title. I love being a mother, it made me a better person and changed me for the better for my son. Each and everyday I work on myself to become a better person than I was yesterday for my son. I say everyday, he deserves the best version of me, I won't let him down.
So just be patient and know that your blessings awaits you. I know it's hard to be patient but it's worth it. I didn't mean to write this much but I felt like it was important for me to share my story which to me as I mentioned will help someone believe, have faith and most of all trust in God Again.
A Confident Love From Me To You
Xoxo, Yanika
