I knew before I shared my own story, I wanted to share her story with everyone. I have known Naomi for years, she is like a little sister to me. We met on Instagram and clicked right away, these past few years we haven't been close as we were before. Nothing happened, just life happens. September 2017, I read one of her Facebook captions and instantly it broke my heart. She was admitted to the hospital and the reason why left me speechless. I knew I wanted to share her story with you guys so you would understand why I was heartbroken and wished I was there for her more.
1. Tell me briefly about yourself
Hmm, a little about myself? Where to start, where to end?! Honestly, I don’t know who I am at the moment because I’m in between who I use to be and who I’m trying to be. I know for sure I’m a poet, I’m a spoken word artist, I’m a creative, I’m a writer, I’m a woman, I am everything and nothing right now. But if I had to briefly express who I am, I’m just Naomi also known as Nina Hues from Brooklyn, NY and I’m at the tender age of 28 lol. But yea, I’m just trying to redefine who I am everyday, so every time I feel like I know myself, I realize I have no idea because I am constantly evolving. Like everyday I’m shedding and evolving.
2. What does mental health mean to you?
Mental health means everything to me.... NOW. At one point of my life, it didn’t mean anything to me. What I mean when I say that? I mean, it wasn’t something I put as a priority. I believed if I felt anything besides happiness and gratefulness and strength, that I was just complaining. I was conditioned to believe that you measured strength by how much you can internalize and not externalized. Mental health was a “I’m not crazy, crazy so I don’t need help.” I was wrong my whole life. My mother, my mothers, mother was wrong, people were wrong all my life. They silenced my pain because it meant having to deal with their own and “strong women don’t complain they just boss up and keep it moving” right? Lies.
3. Why is important to make time for self Care?
Self care is the way of life. Self care doesn’t only teach you about loving yourself but it holds you accountable for your choices, your mistakes, your healing, the trauma that you MAY unload onto others. It helps you create boundaries so others will take need to how they should respect you, honor you, love you, and worship you. Self care to me is being a walking altar. I allow myself to receive offerings (respect, love, etc) and in return, I give the same to you. Self care is more than bubble baths and pedicures on Sunday’s. It’s going to therapy, it’s having that ugly cry after realizing you haven’t healed from that trauma you endured at nine years old, it’s about unpacking wounds you ain’t never get to address because you were told you weren’t worthy of doing so. Self care being aware of self on all levels and when you give yourself Care, you are able to care for your loved ones..... without attachment, obligation and possession.
4. Have you ever been depressed? And why? How did you deal with it ? How did you overcome it? If not, what are you doing to overcome your depression?
I am depressed. Depression never went away for me. I’ve been depressed since I came out my mothers womb. It’s generational. Now how my depression was activated is a different story . I found out I was depressed when I was nine years old. I didn’t know what to call it but I was writing suicide letters at that age, telling my friends please don’t leave me and love me or not I will die. Overfeeding myself. Didn’t want to go to school. Stood asleep all day. Didn’t even want to run outside with the kids. What triggered the depression was being sexually assaulted by my mothers uncle. Not only that but also having to deal with not having protection and comfort after it happened from my parents made it worse. My ordeal was made to be a mockery and I had to watch it unfold and hear about another child being sexually assaulted years after, when it could’ve stopped with me. I began to feel unworthy of anything not even respect after literally being SHOWN I was just a joke even with showing my pain. I dealt with it by being angry at the world. I dealt with it by eating. I became a bully of anyone who I thought wanted to take attention away from me. I became desperate for anyone’s love. When I finally chose to have sex, I used sex to cope with it. I used my ambitious nature to cope with it. In my mind, it was “as long as I’m successful I can’t stay depressed” and I learned the hard way last year. I learned when even when I had the great paying job, the home, the car, the credit, that shit only made the depression worse because now am I not working hard to afford all of this, I’m working hard to hide all of my depression. To me, personally, there’s no way to get rid of depression. Can you regulate it? Yes. Can you learn how to navigate it? Yes you can. I feel like the more aware you become of how life operates by seeing certain things the more easily it is to become depressed. The beautiful thing about that also is that you realize how beautiful life is as well. Although I still have depression, depression definitely doesn’t have me anymore. I use my depression to create art. To speak to people. It literally helps me to be more understanding and empathetic to other people. It makes me less judgmental. I show more mercy and love and compassion and forgiveness because I know how it feels to not have it at all. I changed the view on depression and that’s how I’m dealing with it. Rather than having depression define me, I’m defining it.
5. Suicide, briefly describe the day you felt like this was it for you?
Last year, there wasn’t a day I didn’t attempt suicide. It was an everyday battle for me. Until, August 24th, 2017 when I finally swallowed the bottle of pills and was hospitalized for 12 long days in the psych ward. That day I felt unloved. I truly felt unloved, unheard, judged, ridiculed. I felt like the people I considered the love’s of my life didn’t even see me past the depression. I felt alone. I felt like a dark cloud. I convinced myself that if I took the bottle of pills it would just numb the pain for awhile. The day I attempted suicide, the moment I decided to take my life? I literally felt tired and I wanted to sleep forever. You literally convince yourself it’s not death but it’s you releasing yourself from pain.
6. What have you learned from almost taking your own life away?
I’ve learned that life can always be reborn for you. I’ve learned that situations are hard and painful because life is actually beautiful. Meaning, we wouldn’t truly know what feels good or what feels right until we’ve experienced the opposite. How can I know love without hate. How can I know pain without pleasure. Having done that, I’ve learned so much about the things I have to heal about myself that I’ve denied for so long. I knew that if I was successful in my suicide, I would’ve left behind so much pain. Yet all my life, all I ever tried to do was leave love behind. I would’ve died a hypocrite. All the pain and lessons I’ve learned through the years would’ve been in vain because I allowed depression to rule my life. I allowed the negativity of life and of others determine whether or not I could make it through life.
7. What can you tell someone who thinks about taking their own life away?
It’s not worth it. Don’t allow your mind to convince you that you are not worthy of love and attention and HELP. There is help out there. There is help in a therapist. In your family. Friends. Even in a stranger like myself. I won’t lie and say life gets easier but you definitely become a master at it, if you allow yourself to do so. Suicide is definitely not the answer. Most times those feelings you are feeling is because of the company you keep and if you have to look around and question if these people are loving you, find new company. No the thoughts don’t go away! Do not get caught up in these commercial ass posts that tells you how healing goes or what it looks like. Healing is messy. It’s dark. It’s heavy but at the end, baby it’s all light and love waiting to embrace you. Your spirit becomes louder than your thoughts. Your heart beats louder than your thoughts. Your body moves faster than your thoughts. You are LOVE baby and suicide, is not the ending. It’s only the beginning to leaving more pain onto those that DO truly love you.
8. Do you regret anything ?
Honestly? No. I wish I could say I regret my attempted suicide but I don’t. I don’t regret anything in my life because it’s molding me into this beautiful ass spirit. Every single mistake. Every single decision. Every single moment in my life, I do not regret. If I always made the right choices, would I truly be able to say I was living? Or merely existing? I’m trying to live. I’m trying to leave behind a legacy and the only way to do that is to evolve and the only way to evolve is to learn some lessons and to learn them lessons, I have to be ignorant to be taught. So NOPE sis I don’t regret a thing.
9. How are you working on yourself? How are you making it work for you?
I’m constantly leaving myself empty. I wake up, I serve myself positive affirmation in the shower as I’m cleansing myself. I’m working on my poetry and my documentary. I’m doing things that I convinced myself I wouldn’t be able to do. I’m pushing past my fears because the worst thing that can happen is that I’m laughed at but do that even matter? I’m finding my voice. I’ve distanced myself from people and things that trigger me. I’m just simply allowing myself to just be present with myself.
10. Would you say “You’re better” now then a year ago? And why?
Girllllll, hell yes lol. So much better! I’m better because I’m aware now. I know my pain. I know my trauma. I know that all of this pain ain’t from people I’ve met or the choices I’ve made. I know it’s from my mama’s mama mama mama. This shit is generational. I know I have to heal some deep rooted shit. I’m just aware of the things I have to do to keep me going. Depression has honestly made me aware of so many things I’ve left alone in the name of saving face for those around me. I’m in a better place because I hold myself accountable for my toxic ways but I also give myself props for my beautiful ways. I understand balance and duality of life. I now know how to love with boundaries and because of that, I’m not having to deal with other people’s energy, just my own.
11. What are your goals?
Sis you’re going to think I’m crazy but I have none. Having goals is the thing that drove me downhill. I literally flow with life. All I know is that I want to be a successful writer, poet, spoken word artist and have a space where women can heal in peace. How I’m ensuring I’m getting there? I just do what I do everyday and I’m attracting that lifestyle while doing so. Fixating on goals and trying to meet deadlines will have you feeling like a failure or like a disappointment when you’re not able to reach them because listen life just happens sometimes and honestly, I’m at a place in my life where I know whether it’s tomorrow or 10 years from now, I will be doing everything I’m suppose to be doing. Law of attraction is real and I practice it everyday.
12. Self love means what to you
Self love means loving me, catering to me, uplifting me even when I look in the mirror and see a darker side to myself. It’s easy to love yourself when you’re doing everything right but man, I had to learn to love myself even when I’ve done wrong, when I’ve hurt others, when others stop rooting for me, when friends literally turned into enemies, when spoke negatively about me, when I knew I didn’t look or feel my best. Self love is just knowing you’re magical even when the magic isn’t light. Self love is knowing to forgive yourself even when no one else will. Self love is being ok with losing everybody if it means securing yourself.
13. How can you make an impact and inspire others to take their mental health serious?
Being transparent. I hate being vulnerable but when I attempted suicide and I got messages from people that told me please don’t do that again I look forward to your transparency because you help me believe and have faith that there is light at the end.... it broke me down even more. Being transparent isn’t only about healing myself but about helping other people see that they can heal too. In our community, we rarely see our people being vulnerable and soft and delicate and transparent. EVERYTHING we’ve been taught was to struggle in silence. To be pretty in pain. To be strong even though you’re breaking. To pray to God about it and leave it alone. To brush it under the rug and hope no one trips over your mess. That’s why we end up recycling broken homes because we aren’t being real with ourselves. SHOWING them that depression isn’t weakness and that it’s affects everyone differently. Some depressed people don’t look like victims, they look like abusers. I also want people to start preventing depression by seeking therapy even when they have a stressful moment in life making them overwhelmed. I feel like therapy is amazing for everyone not only those that are depressed. It’s like hey we get vaccines to keep from getting certain diseases. Why not get therapy to prevent us from becoming depressed?!
14. Confidence Is Me Because
-- I am blooming through all the things that were meant to bury me.
Naomi, I love you Sis, I am proud of you. You inspire me in so many ways and I know the best is yet to come for you. God put you here for a reason and even at your lowest, he made sure to bring you back up so you can serve your purpose. Thank you for doing this, I know you will continue to save lives all over the world. Follow Naomi on Instagram @ninahues.
A Confident Love From Me to You
xoxo, Yanika
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