Growth

I have to say this past year have been a year of intense growth for me and it truly led me to the path that I am destined to be on so I can completely be the person that I am meant to be. I know that the instant changed in me and the beginning of my growth began when I found out I was pregnant. I remember telling myself, “ I have to be a better version of myself, Yanika you have to change”. I felt like it’s some battles that I had to overcome in order to be ME and one of them was GROWTH. 

I had to stop being afraid of the “what if’s” and just live everyday how is meant to be. I was fed up of putting others in front of me and satisfying them and forgetting about ME. I was tired of overreacting over things that wasn’t worth it. I knew in my heart for my child, I had to GROW UP! I didn’t have time anymore to play around and putting myself last. Reality set in that I had someone that I had to put before me and that will depend on me for their rest of their lives. 

Now Iam not where I want to be because each and everyday is a new day to become a better version of ourselves but I know for a fact Iam not the same person that I was a year ago. From my temper to my overthinking all changed because it used to effect me in a way that I would react negatively mostly with my mouth or make me overthink to the point I would lose sleep which isn’t worth it at the end of the day. 

I learned to think before I react and ask myself “ Does this situation need a reaction?” And 9 out of 10 Times, It doesn’t. But we are so quick to react that it is after that it happens, we are like “ Shit, it wasn’t that deep” but it’s ok. Now you know next time a situation occurs to THINK BEFORE REACTING. I know some of you are reading this like “Yanika, It’s hard”, trust me I know. I’ve learned that certain situations doesn’t need your energy. Why waste your time and energy on something that isn’t going to do you you no good? I just Let Go & Let God now. 

I remember the days when I used to stress over things and people that now I look back like “ I could of saved a lot of tears” but Iam Thankful that I went though all the bullshit that I went through and  seen people I thought was good for me for who they really are. Each and everyday there is a lesson to be learned, and with that lesson you grow from it. Learn what was shown to you and apply it to your life everyday. Don’t keep repeating the same things over and over again to affect you from growing. 

Growing is part of becoming who you are meant to be which is beautiful. There is nothing wrong with GROWTH, some people are just afraid of it. Growth is a beautiful thing but it will take you out of your comfort zone and make you face things that you thought would never happen. Growth is a powerful drug but the type of drug you need on a daily, Iam addicted to it. I just feel like it’s important for me to keep on Growing for me but most of all, My Son. 

Don’t be afraid of GROWTH, Don’t be afraid of becoming a better version of yourself. Let go of what isn’t meant for you, Let Go Of People Interrupting your greatness and be the person that makes you happy. 2018 is your year, CLAIM IT!! Don’t let your comfort zone stop you from growing. I thank God for many reasons and one of them is allowing me to find myself so I can be the person that I was destined to be. He blessed me with a son that will help me with my growth and not be afraid to accept it. 

You don't necessarily need someone or a reason to grow, plant your seed by any means and blossom into the person that you're meant to be. DO IT FOR YOURSELF. You have to do what's best for you at all times in order to be the best version of yourself to live your best life. The things and people that  tries to break me down now ONLY makes me more powerful, Thank You Growth. 

                         A Confident Love From Me To You

                                       XoXo,Yanika

I Prayed For You & Here You Are.

One thing about writing for me is therapeutic and every blog I write it's from the heart. Some blogs I write about is things I've experience and others are what I want my readers to understand and learn from. On Saturday night I posted a few pictures of Messiah and I wrote a status that I didn't expect I would get a lot of feedback from but I did and which each feedback I received at the end of it, I read "Thank You". See with Confidence Is You, it's not about the money, for me is helping others and putting things into perspective for them. So I decided to turn my status into a blog to write more about my experience and why becoming a mother was so important to me. 

From a young age, I would play mommy and baby with my dolls. I always knew that one day I wanted to have children on my own. My friends thought I was crazy for saying that I wanted children when we were in HS. Of course I wanted to have a child with someone I loved and I knew for a fact would be there for my child. I started telling myself " 1 day it will happen". When I was with my EX, I was So depressed, my self esteem was low, I just didn't want to live anymore but one day it hit me and I wanted a child more than ever again. I felt having a child would fill that void and give me the happiness and love I wanted. 

I didn't care about my ex being my child's father but I just wanted a child. It never happened, I even with to a fertility doctor in which she told me I was too big to have a child. (Yeah I wish I would of gotten her reported or something but at that moment I thought she was right.) Anyways I thank god each and everyday, I didn't get pregnant by him. God knew that he wasn't the right one for me and it made me regain my faith in God again and to just be patient. I've written many blogs in which I talked about my last relationship and how it made me give up on love. It wasn't until Marc and I started dating that I knew I haven't found my true love yet  . 

See Marc wasn't a stranger, I've known him since I was 15/16 but I didn't see him that way. He liked me and everyone knew it but I just didn't care to be with him. Fast forward to a few years later, we started dating. I was scared because I didn't want to get hurt again but Day and night for months, shit to be honest for 2 years he healed my heart piece by piece. ( yes we dated for 2 years before we became official on 6/17/13). I needed to go through what I went through for me to feel the unconditional love that I never felt before and for me to be completely ready to truly love someone and actually feel what real love feels like. 

I knew once my heart was complete, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Marc. He was patient and made me believe in something I told myself I would never believe in again which was LOVE. I was blessed to have such an amazing man in my life that will one day be my husband and the father of my children. Marc knew what I wanted, I never stressed it. But I would say after our 2 years of being together, I started throwing hints. If it wasn't about my ring, it was about " when we have children". He wanted the same  things that I wanted but when the time was right. 

I just felt like if you want the same things I wanted, Why wait? The biggest lesson I learned through all of this is that even if you want something, no matter what it is, God will give it to you when the time is right. And the more I wanted a child, God laughed because he knew it wasn't the time just yet to have a child. Days and months would pass by, my Period still came EVERY month and I would get frustrated and sad. See the thing is nobody knew, I never told Marc. I didn't wanted him to feel that he was obligated to give me want I wanted just so I wouldn't feel the way that I do. Every time I turned around someone was pregnant, don't get me wrong I was happy for them but deep down inside I wish it was me. I remember one of my coworkers hiding that she was pregnant from me because she knew I would feel a way. My titi at work would tell me everyday " It will happen when you stop stressing it and stop thinking about it". 

July 2016, Marc and I along with my mother , my sister and her boyfriend went to Mexico. Just before we went, Marc and I went through something so this trip was important for me for us to get back into the groove of things. The first few days we had a blast and on the forth day I remember mentioning something about "when we get married". It wasn't the first time during the trip I mentioned something that had to do with us getting married or having a child. He just got up and left, I knew he was upset. That night through dinner and all, he didn't say much. I knew I triggered him, I knew at that moment I had to stop or I would lose him. The next day before we left to go to the airport, he told me he couldn't be with me anymore because he felt that he couldn't give me what I wanted and he also felt I wanted to just be with him to have a baby or to get a ring. 

My heart broke to a million pieces, I just went in the bathroom and got on my knees and prayed while I cried my heart out. I told god" I trust you, I lost my faith but I trust you and when the time is right you will make me a mother and a wife."  After I prayed and got myself together, Marc and I had a long conversation and I told him that I won't bring it up again and when the time is right he will propose and we have a baby.  Now some people may think " oh if he loved you, why would he break up with you". No he loved me enough to let me go so I can go get what I wanted it. Some may feel why didn't he just propose if he loved me, you can't force anyone to do anything and if I wasn't so much on him, it would of happened a long time ago. But I had to go through what we went through so I can believe in God and his timing and regain my faith in God as well. 

When we got back from Mexico, I prayed more and told myself I just focus on myself and Confidence Is You. I was ready to do what's best for me and when the time was right I knew God was going to bless me. On September 4th, Marc and I went to my homegirl Ashley going away BBQ and we had a ball. We really had an amazing time, we laughed, we danced, we loved on each other and when we got home, well you know the what happen as I called that night DRUNK IN LOVE. 

Weeks went by, I was doing my thing while God blessing was growing inside of me. 

I didn't have a clue, my period was late but I didn't think to much of it. I just thought eventually it would come. After 9 days as well as my mother and Marc telling me over and over to take a pregnancy test, I did. I couldn't wait until I got home to take so I took it right at work on my lunch break, waiting 2-5 mins for the results was the longest 2-5 mins in my life. After I looked down, I saw one line. I remember looking in the mirror and I just said a prayer, I wasn't mad or anything, I just prayed. Something told me to look down at it again and BOOM THERE IT WAS, 2 LINES. I WAS PREGNANT!!! And here I am writing today, the same week my son turns 5 months. 

I know it's hard when you want something so bad and it doesn't happen but you have to be patient and truly wait on Gods timing. I learned that God may not give it to me right when I want it but when he knows the time is right, he will deliver. And if he doesn't give me what I want, he will give me something better. Being a mother is truly the most rewarding title. I love being a mother, it made me a better person and changed me for the better for my son. Each and everyday I work on myself to become a better person than I was yesterday for my son. I say everyday, he deserves the best version of me, I won't let him down. 

So just be patient and know that your blessings awaits you. I know it's hard to be patient but it's worth it. I didn't mean to write this much but I felt like it was important for me to share my story which to me as I mentioned will help someone believe, have faith and most of all trust in God Again. 

     A Confident Love From Me To You 

                       Xoxo, Yanika 

Be The Power Of Your Voice

What is the point of having a voice, if you aren't going to use it. What are you afraid of? Are you scared of voicing your opinions, feeling & thoughts thinking of what others may say or think or better yet thinking that how you feel or what you think doesn't  matter? Oh I get it, I was once afraid and actually it hasn't been that long ago since I've found my voice. I was tired of being in a box and feeling as if I can't express how I felt because I was afraid of what others may think or make anyone feel a way. But I had to ask myself one day, what about me and my feelings when I mattered the most. 

Growing up I was already judged about my weight so I didn't want to use my voice even if it was voicing my  thoughts or opinions because I didn't want others to judge me for something else. Once again, I didn't use the power of my voice because of OTHERS. We live in a world where you will be judge for how you dress, who you love, where you're from, your weight and everything else under the sun. It got to a point where I was making myself crazy and depress because I kept everything that needed to be express inside of me, in my heart and soul. That wasn't an option anymore, I give too many people the power to take advantage of me, from friends to family. 

2 years ago I told someone very close to me that I couldn't go on with certain activities leading to a special moment in their lives. I fought with the decision to tell them but it was more important for me to take care of my business as in fixing my credit than to partake in that particular activity. It's not as if I didn't want to be there but to be honest I had goals to achieve and there was a point where I wasn't working for almost 2 years so  I made a promise to myself, once I was back on my feet, I needed to get certain things taken care of. At that very moment, I had to be true to myself. I said " they will understand", a lot happened after I followed my heart. Our relationship took a left turn where I regretted saying anything but I had a " you did the right thing Yanika, you did what you had to do for you" moment. Do I still regret  saying anything? No, Iam happy I did. That situation showed me a new level of strength that I never knew I had. You have to be true to yourself, no one will be more honest with you than you. Was I suppose to make them happy and forget about me? That was the beginning of speaking my truth and not keeping everything inside of my heart and soul. 

You have a voice, USE IT! Aren't you tired of allowing others to take advantage of you, aren't you tired of driving yourself crazy because you aren't being true to yourself. If someone doesn't like your honesty or respect your feeling and thoughts than they don't need a place in your life. You can't live in a box for the rest of your life just to satisfy others, you always have to do what's best for you. You have to make yourself happy at all times, and be true to who you are. 

A Confident Love From Me To You

              Xoxo, Yanika 

Do They Matter To Be In Your Life?

Growing up I held on to people that I knew wasn't good for me, I just held on to them knowing they didn't deserve to be in my life. From friends to guys I was in a relationship with, I held on. It wasn't until I was about 23/24 years of age that I let go of a friendship that I thought would last forever. I knew that I had to walk away from it, yes of course it hurts but once you know your worth everything is so much easy to let go of. The year before that I decided to let my relationship with my ex of many years go and still to this day it was the bet decision that I ever made in my life. 

At times you keep people in your life because you feel they will change, or you're afraid of being alone. Trust me, I know. But you have to know within yourself that you are worth it and if they deserve to be in your life or not. If that person isn't bringing good into your life, making you happy, making you grow and respecting your worth, LET THEM GO! People come in your life for a season, years, maybe a lifetime but most of all to teach you a lesson. Not everyone will last a lifetime and I realized that the most this past year. 

I learned some valuable lessons that was taught to me by people that were in my life. I used to ignore those lessons knocking on my door but not only do I know my worth and know what I deserve, I have a son now that showed me what's really and truly important in life. It doesn't have to take you having children to know your worth, you should know already what you deserve and what you can't tolerate in your life anymore. It isn't mandatory for you to keep anyone in your life especially if they aren't bringing any good to it. Learn to let go and not allow people exaggerate their stay in your life. 

You have a friend in one corner, talking shit about you and doesn't even support you but you keep her in your life because "oh she's my friend of 15 years". Bullshit, let her go. A real friend wouldn't talk shit about you and that same friend will support you in all that you do. In the next corner, you have a man in your life that doesn't see your worth and doesn't deserve you. He doesn't even care to make you smile and he doesn't care to make you happy but you keep him in your life because " you don't want to be alone". Girl if you don't let that man go and appreciate your alone time until the right one comes along. Then on the next corner, a family member that tries to bring the bad side of you out or better yet always trying to bring you down, " Oh it's ok, we family". No, it's not ok. It doesn't matter if they blood or not. Let me tell you family will be the first ones to bring you down and see the worse in you. So family or not, if they aren't bringing any good in your life, it's ok to remove them from your life. 

Iam a point in my life where I just want good vibes and good people around me. I want people I can learn from, grow with, and can be themselves around me. Life is too short to be with all the extra BS. Life is already hard and you're going to keep people in your life that isn't doing any good for you.  What may look good to the eye may not be  good for the heart,

If you have to keep questioning if they deserve to be in your life, the answer is mostly no. Always do what makes you happy and keep those in your life that truly matters. Your heart deserves peace, happiness and positivity from others. Don't keep anyone in your life who doesn't belong there, know your worth. 

A Confident Love From Me To You

               Xoxo, Yanika 

Messiah Mommy

August 31 marked 3 months since I gave birth to my bundle of joy and these past 3 months have been the happiest moments of my life. During my pregnancy I didn't blog or even write anything for that matter, I just wanted to enjoy my pregnancy to the fullest. It was a brand new experience for me and I wanted to make every second of it count. Iam shock myself that I didn't blog about my pregnancy but the one thing I love about writing is that you can always write about what happen in the past, present or in the future. My pregnancy was beyond amazing, I had an amazing pregnancy from beginning to end. I didn't have any morning sickness, I didn't throw up not once, I was good. I was tired most of the time which is normal, I was tired all day and night but besides my pregnancy was good. 

During my pregnancy I didn't feel like myself meaning I didn't want to dress up, I didn't want to put makeup on, I didn't want to do anything with myself but to put on some leggings, a tshirt, some sneakers and call it a day. I just wanted to be comfortable but I have to admit I wasn't too confident. Don't get me wrong, I truly enjoyed my body transforming to bring life into this world. I enjoyed being pregnant but the simple fact I didn't feel like dressing up or doing anything with myself just made me lack confidence. 

There were times, I didn't even feel pretty at all. Part of me was beating myself up, I felt like I worked to hard to be who I am and to be confident and now I don't even feel like either. But it hit me one day when I looked at myself in the mirror and suddenly he kicked me. I took that as a reminder that it's ok that I don't feel like dressing up and putting on makeup. What mattered the most is that I was going to give birth to my son who is going to love me unconditionally and see me and accept me for who I am. 

After giving birth,  I was back to myself literally a few days after. I was ready to " look cute" as I would put it. In the midst of being back to myself, I felt more confident. I felt better then I ever felt before and I love it. I used to hate myself and it took a while for me to accept every inch of me. But now that I gave birth to a child, Iam more in love with my body than I ever been before in my whole entire life. I gained  weight but that's ok, got some extra few stretch marks but that's ok, my butt got bigger and that's ok. 

I wouldn't trade getting pregnant for anything in the world and here I am 3 months later loving myself more than I ever did before. Iam more confident and I appreciate all the changes my body had to make for my son. I am and forever will be my best title...MESSIAH MOMMY.  

A Confident Love From Me To You

             Xoxo, Yanika 

Happiness

Take a second and ask yourself this question, " Am I genuinely happy?". It started about 6 years ago when I started asking myself this question practically each and everyday after my therapist asked me that same exact question. At first I didn't have an answer to it, I was stuck. I wanted to say yes but then I would be lying not only to her but to myself as well. The truth is I wasn't genuinely happy, I was ok with how things were but I knew I could make things better for myself. I knew my happiness mattered and by any means I had to do what I had to do to make myself happy. 

The problem with some of us is that we are scared to make a change  and go after what our heart desire. Some of us are in situations that we know isn't right for us but stay thinking there will be a change. I know for a fact and I wrote about it before, I stayed in a relationship I knew wasn't right for me. I knew he wasn't the one  for me but I kept telling myself " who else will love  me?". It was obvious I didn't love myself and I knew that he didn't love me because he wouldn't had put me through all of the bullshit he was putting me through. I was scared to leave, I didn't know my worth and I knew deep down he wasn't the man I needed and the man that was meant for me. It took a lot of mental abuse with some physical and emotional abuse for me to chuck my deuces up one day. I had enough and I knew in order for me to start the journey to my happiness, I had to leave him which is exactly what I did. 

When I left him, it was the best decision ever. I felt relieved and everything slowly but surely started to look up for me. At times staying in a situation or not letting someone go can block some of God blessings for you. This is why from that day forward after leaving him, I had to do what made me happy. I can't sit here and let my life go by without making myself happy. Life is too short, anything can happen to you at any given time. Do you want to live your life being unhappy? God forbid something happens to you, would you be satisfied with how you lived your life?  

If it doesn't make you happy, simply let it go. YOUR HAPPINESS MATTERS THE MOST!! It wasn't easy for me but I knew I was able to be genuinely happy. Yes I go through some things which is fine because it's part of life. Am I going to let the things I go through stop me from being happy? No, I use any issue that I deal with be motivation to do more things to make me happy. Don't allow anyone to even come close to interrupting your Happiness. It is time that you live for you and do what matters most to you. 

Now my happiness comes first, I have to make sure Iam good no matter what for my son. He matters the most to me and if mommy isn't happy, he would feel it and I never want him to feel anything else but HAPPINESS! Life is beautiful and even more beautiful when you're happy. Don't let anything or anyone take your happiness away from you. Do whatever it is that will make you happy!! Travel More, Smile More, Dance More, Do More Of What Makes You Happy. 

A Confident Love From Me To You

       Xoxo, Yanika 

Iam Back!!!!!

It's been awhile,11 months to be exact since I've written a blog. Some may wonder why, well I don't have an answer to that. These past 11 months I felt inspired to write, the urge to write and the desire to write but I couldn't find the courage I needed to actually write anything until at this very moment. It's crazy that at this very moment at 1:17am, I listened to what my mind have been telling me for months which is " Just do it". You know how that goes, you want to do it but just tell yourself " I will do it tomorrow". Well my " I will do it tomorrow" lasted 11 months. One thing is for sure if you wait to do it until the time is right, it's ok as long as you don't give up. 

I won't lie, I missed writing. I have so much to write about and I know I will express and write all of these thoughts and feelings I have been feeling these past few months in due time. If you follow me on social media, you will know that I've been on cloud 9 since September 28, 2016 which is the day that I found out that I was expecting. Yes, God had blessed me with the most rewarding gift that I could have ever imagined. I wanted a child for the longest, but it never worked out when I wanted it. As soon as I gave it to God and said "I trust in you God, when the time is right it will happen", it happened less than 2 months later. God wanted me to be patient and trust in him. I've never been so happy in my life before, I prayed for this child of mines and now he is my reality which I delivered on May 31, 2017 and named him MESSIAH L, JEAN. 

You see how 11 months can fly by, I had a baby since the last time I wrote a blog. Time flies! I knew that I would never give up my love for writing and this blog, I just needed to write again when the time was right. I wanted to just simply enjoy my pregnancy and my child but at the back of my mind I thought of my love for writing. I didn't give up and I won't ever give up. There will be things in your life that you will question and may think it's just too hard to achieve. No matter what, keep pushing and never give up. You have to believe in yourself more than ever and make shit happen for yourself. 

The worst thing to do is GIVE UP and live in regrets years from now all because you didn't follow your heart and most of all your dreams. No matter what DON'T STOP UNTIL YOU'RE PROUD, until then keep on going and keep on reaching for your goals. Iam satisfied for now but I know there is so much more for me to reach and accomplish and with now being a mother I want to accomplish all of my goals more than ever. 

My love for writing never went away, it just took a little break so look out for more from me. I have a lot to write about, these past few months taught me a lot about myself, friends, family, love and so much more. I can't wait to share my love of writing on a daily basis with you all again. 

   A Confident Love From Me To You

                Xoxo, Yanika.